Not Everything Goes Better With Music
by MoonStarDutchess
Summary: Havoc learns by experience that not everything goes better with music. ROYAI Crackfic! Rated M for the discussions and slight lime.


**Not Everything Goes Better With Music **

**Author: MoonStarDutchess **

**Disclaimer: I don't own FMA and don't gain any profit from this fiction. **

**AN: This is based of an item that I read about. Rissy and I had an interesting conversation concerning it. I don't know how said item works so I am making ****up the way it works. **

**M because of content matter and a CRACKTASTIC plot.  
**

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**Not Everything Goes Better With Music **

"Stop it Roy," Riza said as Roy kissed the back of her neck. She was filing at the file cabinet beside his desk, when his arms wrapped around her waist and his lips had descended to her neck.

"But I don't want to," he replied in a fake pout-like tone. He kissed the side of her neck after speaking. He trailed his lips to her jaw line and that was when she turned around in his arms.

"We agreed that if we have this relationship that we would stay professional at work. You are already messing up on that agreement."

"Fine then; I will stay professional." He said, but didn't let go of her.

"Good, now let me go," she said, trying to get out of his grasp.

"No. . . Lieutenant," he said, putting a strong emphasis on her rank.

"Sir, you. . . "

"I order you to kiss me," he said, with that all too familiar and heart melting smirk on his lips.

"You aren't allowed to do that!" she scolded.

"Do I have to write a reprimand for you?" Roy said, looking into her eyes. "Hey, that sounds sexy," he added.

"Reprimand? For what?"

"Refusal to obey orders of a superior officer."

"But. . . You. . ." Riza stuttered then cursed to herself. He was the only person that could get her to stutter. She knew he took pride in that fact as well, much to her chagrin.

"Well? He asked.

Riza chuckled at the look on his face. She brought her lips to his and kissed him seductively.

"Is that up to your standards? Sir?" she said when she pulled away. He smirked and nodded. "Very much," he answered.

When they heard the door open, they suddenly pulled away. Roy went to his desk to sit and Riza went back to filing. They were relieved to find it was only Havoc.

Roy started to say good morning when he saw the completely devastated look on Havoc's face he didn't. The second lieutenant looked the worse that he'd ever seen.

Havoc had been seeing a woman for a while now and Roy knew that when Havoc had that look it meant that a break up occurred.

"What went wrong this time?" Roy asked him. Havoc looked at him and sighed.

Riza suddenly glared at Roy and he held up his hands in defense. "It wasn't me! I am perfectly happy with you Riza. I haven't been flirting and I don't even know the girl."

"It wasn't the chief," Havoc said. "My last eight breakups weren't because of the chief either."

"Then what was it? What are you doing to these women?" Roy questioned.

Havoc looked away. "I'm not sure. If it is what I am thinking about then I'd better not tell you because you'd laugh at me." He stood up and said, "I am going to go get some coffee." He then left the room.

"Riza put down her files. "I'll go find out. He knows that I won't laugh so he will tell me."

"Yes, do that. That way, I can have a good laugh later," Roy joked, only to earn an angry look from Riza before she left the room.

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Riza found Havoc in the officer's lounge, sitting at a table with a cup of coffee. She grabbed her own cup and sat down across from him.

"What happened?" she asked

"Can I ask you a personal question?" he asked.

"Yes," Riza stated. Jean was a close friend of she and Roy's so she was fine with it.

"Riza, have you ever had troubles with men?" he asked.

"Jean, look who I work around. Of course I have," she stated

"No. . . I didn't mean that. . . I need to rethink the question," he said. "I meant in the bedroom."

Riza was stunned that he asked a question that personal. He knew about Roy and her, and he'd heard the rumors about Roy being. . . Gifted. Those rumors weren't rumors she was proud to admit. Also, his gallivanting was extremely exaggerated.

"What do you mean exactly?" she questioned.

"Has the chief ever done anything . . . Unusual when you were. . . Hummm. . ."

"Fucking?" she said bluntly. She was getting tired of Havoc being so timid about his questioning.

"Yeah," he said.

"You have to be more specific on the unusual comment," she said, taking a drink of her coffee.

"Um . . . Musical condoms. . ."

Riza spit out her coffee upon hearing that. She looked at him wide-eyed. "MUSICAL WHAT?" she screeched in a very un-Riza-like manner.

"Musical condoms," he said. "You see I found them at a store and thought that since girls liked music then they might be surprised if I . . ."

Riza could barely withhold her laughter as he spoke.

"You didn't. . ." she managed out.

"Yeah," he said, looking down at the table.

Riza was trying her best to hold herself back from shaking with laughter. "All eight?" she questioned, her voice cracking slightly.

"Yes," he said.

Riza looked down at her coffee trying to compose herself. "You should have learned after the first two," she said.

"I know, but I figured it was the type of music that made them leave," he said.

Riza's laughter nearly gave way at the revelation. "What kind of music do they play?"

"Beethoven, Chopin, Bach, mainly classical," he replied.

Riza stood and put on a straight face. "My advice. . . Get rid of them," she said.

"Right," he replied as she left the room. She rushed back to the office where Roy was shockingly enough, doing his paperwork. When she came to the door, she closed it, leaned against it, and the levy she was hiding her laughter behind gave way.

Roy looked up, surprised to hear her laughing so hard. Riza was doubled over, holding her stomach and laughing so hard Roy thought that she was going to pass out due to barely getting any breath in her. He walked over to her and made her straighten up.

"What's so damn funny?" he asked. "Havoc?"

Riza nodded and caught her breath long enough to whisper why she was laughing. It seemed proper to whisper it since it was a rather intimate thing. Roy pulled away, wide eyed. "Are you kidding me?" he asked

Riza shook her head; her laughter resuming then Roy joined her laughter. Havoc came to the door, heard them both laughing, and frowned. So, they wanted to laugh? Well he would get even. He just had figure out how.

He did that day when he saw Roy and Riza leave for a meeting. He knew Roy left his wallet in his desk when going to those meetings. It was perfect.

Havoc sneaked in his desk and replaced what Roy dubbed, "his emergency condom" with one of the musical ones.

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A week later. . .

"Roy, not here! Anyone could come by and we agreed no more sex in the office."

"We aren't in the office," he said. He'd pulled her in the janitor's closet outside their office. "Besides, we are off duty." He lifted her skirt, removed her underwear, and pulled down his own pants.

"Roy, we can't without a condom. I could get pregnant and I haven't had my birth control prescription refilled yet."

"I have one in my wallet," he said.

"Then hurry up," she said. "Before someone finds us."

"Just how are they going to find us?" he asked, taking out the condom and sliding it on. He then lifted her; she wrapped her legs around his waist as he entered her.

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Havoc, Breda, Fuery and Falman were walking by the closet when Furey stopped and frowned.

"Guys," he said. "I think I hear Beethoven's fifth symphony."

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**AN: Please review. **


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